birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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