I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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