My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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