turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
