If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
