Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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