Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
