So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
