I can text with my tongue
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
