im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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