Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
