My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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