yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
