her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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