That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
