i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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