We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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