What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
