don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
