My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
