Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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