Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
