Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
