I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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