____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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