I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize