Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
