his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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