i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
