Jerry, you need to find god
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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