I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
