You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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