No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
