Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
