I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
