I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
