thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
