I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
