he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
