I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
