no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
