On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
