my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
