I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
