My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
