I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
