You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
