Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
