It's like God shit irony all over that family
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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