Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
