Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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