If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize