I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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