new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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