I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
