it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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