Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
this hospital has no fireball
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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