some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
