have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
