i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
