He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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