you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize